No Legs Octopus

Brown hair black eyes, 'Like my soul', he says
She laughs at his joke
The creases in the corner of his smile fill her head
As they exhale cigarette smoke

'You check boxes I didn't even know I had', he adds
She beams back at him
He's like no one she's ever met before and
She covers her eyes and jumps all in

She finds herself smiling in public unaware
His voice is only in her mind
Her body feels too small to bear
The high of a love this size


CHORUS:
It's the need and relief
The sound when he speaks
The pull of his sheets

Nobody else has it
No other way to scratch it
The itch of her habit

She lives for his attention
Would kill for his affection
Craves their special connection


Quickly addicted to this deep desire
She's in trouble she knows
He's set her life alight her heart on fire
She can't stop staring can't be too close

He's the sun her whole world turns round for
The luckiest girl alive
To have found this burning no one's had before
To withdraw now she'd surely die


CHORUS:
It's the need and relief
The sound when he speaks
The pull of his sheets

Nobody else has it
No other way to scratch it
The itch of her habit

She lives for his attention
Would kill for his affection
Craves their special connection


Sip sniff laugh kiss no need for sleep
Yet all night spent in bed
Brunch of hash browns coffee cut wintergreen
Nap it off then go again

'You speak the words straight from my brain,
You're more me than I am'
His admiration warns her, as it floods her veins
'Hey you', she whispers back to him...


BRIDGE:
You're what I didn't know was missing, it's true
I never had the power to decide, to choose
Before I ever called you mine, I knew
Before I even made up my mind, it was always going to be you


CHORUS:
It's the need and relief
The sound when he speaks
The pull of his sheets

Nobody else has it
No other way to scratch it
The itch of her habit

She lives for his attention
Would kill for his affection
Craves their special connection

She'd sell her soul
Just to be close
Just for one more intoxicating dose

She'd sell her soul
Just to be close
Just for one more intoxicating dose

She'd sell her soul
Just to be close
Just for one more intoxicating dose

I'm glad that you are but I wish that you wouldn't
You'll never be better even if you survive
You might not be dead but you won't be alive
I want you to try but I think that you shouldn't
Do you know, you have a choice?

So used to being dealt it you play with a smile
seems so normal to you that you take it in stride
So much pain that you can't even open your eyes
Yet I wonder if it even crosses your mind
If you know, you have a choice


CHORUS:
You say that you know
How us left behind
Will be so sad below
While you're pain free up high

Once again you'll be whole
That's what you believe
But you only think of those
Who'll be shattered by grief

So you fight to the death
To be with us here
If you choose to instead, though
it's ok to leave


Eight years I've seen it rip your body to pieces
The cost of the love that the rabbit allowed
From velvet so soft to mesh plates, wigs & scars
You've suffered enough it's okay to want freedom
Do you know, you have that choice?

Remember when we couldn't say it out loud?
When your only concern was the good of the crowd?
While the four of us struggled to cling to the ground
Grace poise and peace you've faced it with so far
But you know, you do have a choice


CHORUS:
You say that you know
How us left behind
Will be so sad below
While you're pain free up high

Once again you'll be whole
That's what you believe
But you only think of those
Who'll be shattered by grief

So you fight to the death
To be with us here
If you choose to instead, though
it's ok to leave


Silently slipping, over and over again
While I listen to the troubles of others
My mind numb my eyes swim with images of my mother
Only the club wears the lenses of dread
Knowing she'll go, by force or by choice

I'm at war cause she's dealt with enough hurt
More than anybody else could have weathered
So I can't ask for one more second from her
Though my heart will forever be altered


BRIDGE:
And the world will be
so dark, so empty
so cold, so sad
When there's no more choice to be had

My world will be
so dark, so empty
so cold, so sad
When there's no more choice to be had


CHORUS:
You say that you know
How us left behind
Will be so sad below
While you're pain free up high

Once again you'll be whole
That's what you believe
But you only think of those
Who'll be shattered by grief

So you fight to the death
To be with us here
If you choose to instead, though
it's ok to leave

If you choose to instead, though
it's ok to leave

Suffocated by my desire to speak
Choking on words that beg to be freed
If I've learned anything it's not to be weak
In this liminal space bound by every mistake

Tangled by my desire for what I dreamt
Trying so hard to hold onto memories kept
Can't bring into existence alternatives spent
If I let go of what isn't I'll face what is left

Can't move on or move forward without its release
But I have to keep it in to keep our peace
How to stay in this space when my head says to leave
But my heart can't let go of it's need to believe

*picks up speed and urgency with little breath*
CHORUS:
I'm sick and tired of holding it all
Of absorbing his action with none of the control
His words his experience anticipate that and this
All the responsibility with no care and no respect
It's my fault and my job to accommodate his next
Pressing urge or desire, his mood or outlet
Just keep feeding the right balance and don't ever press
Him for more just accept you'll get whatever's left
Appreciate breathing don't resent the neglect
Cause it's better than receiving when it's contempt
And it seems these days all I can depend on expecting
When attention is shifted towards my direction
Is no longer an intoxicating connection
It's constant alertness to aid my discretion
And still I can't make myself ever regret him
(And still I can't make myself ever regret him)
*sharp inhale*


The narratives in my head wage a war
Whose version is real and what's worth fighting for
I just want to be heard but what you need more
Is to be right and for me to never be sure

It's a race as I rush to determine what's true
I have to decipher if it's me or it's you
Cause I can't trust myself but this feels like abuse
Urgency builds as I've got no direction to move


CHORUS:
I'm sick and tired of holding it all
Of absorbing his action with none of the control
His words his experience anticipate that and this
All the responsibility with no care or respect
It's my fault and my job to accommodate his next
Pressing urge or desire his mood or outlet
Just keep feeding the right balance and don't ever press
Him for more just accept you'll get whatever's left
Appreciate breathing don't resent the neglect
Cause it's better than receiving when it's contempt
And it seems these days all I can depend on expecting
When attention is shifted towards my direction
Is no longer an intoxicating connection
It's constant alertness to aid my discretion
And still I can't make myself ever regret him
(And still I can't make myself ever regret him)
*sharp inhale*


I can't think clearly while I exist in his world
Being belittled dismissed made small and ignored
Every effort met with a rebuttal and sword
His words cut as I realize I'll never get more

Can't escape as long as I stand still here
Can't reboot or refocus whenever he's near
I'm on edge and on empty as I carry around fear
What I want is the old admiration and cheer


*slower, easy, breathy*
BRIDGE:
Then suddenly sometimes it's like nothing's changed
I feel silly almost to have suffered in vain
It's not him everything must be just in my brain
Few and far in between but it keeps me sustained

How to ever want love knowing what it became
So little of what we had once still remains
Yet I know that I'll never again feel this way
No one else will compare to all that he gave

How could I settle for anything less than insane
Though I've gone crazy with rambling, still I can't say
That I'll ever wish I never first learned his name
Cause it brought us alive while I died in its place
(I felt us come alive though I died in our place)


CHORUS
I'm sick and tired of holding it all
Of absorbing his action with none of the control
His words his experience anticipate that and this
All the responsibility with no care or respect
It's my fault and my job to accommodate his next
Pressing urge or desire his mood or outlet
Just keep feeding the right balance and don't ever press
Him for more just accept you'll get whatever's left
Appreciate breathing don't resent the neglect
Cause it's better than receiving when it's contempt
And it seems these days all I can depend on expecting
When attention is shifted towards my direction
Is no longer an intoxicating connection
It's constant alertness to aid my discretion
And still I can't make myself ever regret him
(And still I can't make myself ever regret him)
(And still I can't make myself ever regret him)
*echoes off*

Brush your hair, brush your teeth
Wash your face, rinse repeat

Bash your head against the wall
What's the point of it all
Nothing’s real after all

*Softer, whisper*
Your depression is showing, Sweep the floor

Fix your gaze, take a breath
Just don't cry, try your best

Blink, swallow, eat something
Say something, do something
Just one thing, anything

*Softer, whisper*
Your depression is showing, Sweep the floor

Don't zone out, pay attention
Hear the words, comprehend them

Nod, respond, tone your voice
Echoes sound from the void
What is that foreign noise?

*Softer, whisper*
Your depression is showing, Sweep the floor

Move your face, show your teeth
Is this how a smile feels?

Who am I, where'd I go?
Nothing’s left, does it show?
Lost behind green windows

*Softer, whisper*
Your depression is showing, Sweep the floor


CHORUS:
Every day's a marathon
Every second's a chore to endure
The urgency to stop myself
I destroy, I need help
All I can do is sweep the floor

Every day's a marathon
Every second's a chore to endure
The urgency to stop myself
I destroy, I need help
All I can do is sweep the floor


Lose your job, lose your friends
Hate yourself, will it end?

Pace, panic, fill with dread
Fix yourself, fix your head
Scrape out your brain, rip off your flesh

*Softer, whisper*
Your anxiety is showing, Sweep the floor

Very aware, suddenly
Of my skin on me

Words blur, can't see
Pulse races, can't breathe
Focus fades, thoughts retreat

*Softer, whisper*
Your anxiety is showing, Sweep the floor

Mouth waters, drowning in
Salivation, my own spit

Flashing lights behind my lids
Heart too big for my ribs
Wonder if this is it

*Softer, whisper*
Your anxiety is showing, Sweep the floor

Labored breath, just succumb
Brain dissipates, body numb

In my bed paralyzed
By my sweat baptized
My own spirit exorcised

*Softer, whisper*
Your anxiety is showing, Sweep the floor


CHORUS:
Every day's a marathon,
Every second's a chore to endure
The urgency to stop myself
I destroy, I need help
All I can do is sweep the floor

Every day's a marathon
Every second's a chore to endure
The urgency to stop myself
I destroy, I need help
All I can do is sweep the floor


Your depression is showing...
Your anxiety is showing...
Your depression is showing...
Your anxiety is showing...


BRIDGE:
So what? Let it show
Let your friends know
You're not alone

When you're
Unrecognizable, beyond repair
Too far away to care
Heavy heart, full of despair

When you're
Underwater, out of air
Overwhelmed, too much to bear
Living a waking nightmare

Give yourself grace
Create a safe space
You will move past this place

Until you do
Sweep the floor


*Music fades out, recorded audio of voice message*
'If sweeping the floor
is the only thing keeping you alive,' (she said)
'It's the most important thing you'll ever do'

It's my best kept secret
Though they'll say it's not
I smile inside and keep it
They've no idea what I've got

Colors only I can see
Sensations only I can feel
How it seems, I'd almost forgot

Sharper, brighter, quicker, lighter
I'm on a plane above
Momentum builds, igniter
More is never enough

Human needs are so mundane
Why stop when I don't feel drained
No one else has ever been this tough


CHORUS:
I used to be magic
A self-fueling system
But some called me manic
And themselves the victim

So, tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half full and half empty
Tell me the right amount
For you to want me around
How much of me won't make you resent me

Tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half dead and half alive
Tell me the way how
To stay grounded above ground
How much of me is enough to survive


My head is clear, eyes are lit
I am heightened, never frightened
My experience of it
Must be enlightened

Never been more wrong nor right
My sureness swells into a fight
I stand strong, your knuckles tighten

Along with good must come the bad
All the feels too big to hold
Elation, frustration, and always mad
My body breaks as I explode

They're experience of me trumps mine
Being myself diagnosed a crime
Too much for the world's permitted mold


CHORUS:
I used to be magic
A self-fueling system
But some called me manic
And themselves the victim

So, tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half full and half empty
Tell me the right amount
For you to want me around
How much of me won't make you resent me

Tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half dead and half alive
Tell me the way how
To stay grounded above ground
How much of me is enough to survive


BRIDGE:
When I'm unstoppable
Can overcome all obstacles
Invincible, nothing is impossible

My favorite me, who I like to be
The one who makes me feel
alive and thriving, fully real

I am magnetic and manipulative
Overly productive, 'til
There's no outlet, then self destructive

I can't rein it in
Can't keep it within
So the start of the end begins

I'm overwhelming for others
Commitments made suffer
Grasping for control that smothers

Too big to contain
They blame it on my brain
How convenient for you to call me insane

Now the magic has faded
The pills have erased it
I shimmered, then disintegrated

*Slow down, change-up*

It's pretty shitty when
You hear from all your friends
They like the you the best
Who is halfway dead

The grief weighs heavy
A light lost forever
Knowing that I'll never
Be fully alive again

They don't know who
They've taken away or doomed me to
Cause you're never not bipolar, you
Are just less of you


CHORUS:
I used to be magic
A self-fueling system
But some called me manic
And themselves the victim

So, tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half full and half empty
Tell me the right amount
For you to want me around
How much of me won't make you resent me

Tell me
Am I the right amount of me for you now
Half dead and half alive
Tell me the way how
To stay grounded above ground
How much of me is enough to survive

CHORUS:
It happened slowly, over time
So slow I didn’t notice
boiled alive I chose it
I didn't know you weren't right

I wish now that then I’d known
It wouldn’t matter my approach
It wasn’t the timing or my tone
Or every cautious word I spoke

Cause you don’t hear what is said
Just assume it’s a threat
So you fight to the death
To attack and defend

But that's not my intent
I crave to connect
To share and reflect
To listen and express

It takes a toll to try to hold
Onto myself, not who I'm told
Is awful and unlovable
Is broken and unlovable


VERSE 1:
The thing about the antis
Is they wiped you clean inside
Always drunk and always high
To grasp some sense of being alive

But empty, eerie underneath
Eyes cold and hard like plastic beads
Dark and mean no empathy
Looking like bad taxidermy

It hurt my heart and chilled my spine
To see you numb and know you hide
From me and what you’ve made of life
To watch you become someone I don’t recognize


CHORUS:
It happened slowly, over time
So slow I didn’t notice,
boiled alive I chose it
I didn't know you weren't right

I wish now that then I’d known
It wouldn’t matter my approach
It wasn’t the timing or my tone
Or every cautious word I spoke

But you don’t listen to what’s said
You just assume it’s a threat
So you fight to the death
To attack and defend

I'm not the enemy that you
Think I am but it's no use
Your labels stick like glue
I can't change your view

It takes a toll to try to hold
Onto myself, not who I'm told
Is awful and unlovable
Is broken and unlovable


VERSE 2:
Your black eyes show me my reflection
How you view me, as your projection
No escape and no protection
From your resentment and rejection

It’s a dangerous combination
Dissociated and in dysregulation
Unaware of your own isolation
No attachment only irritation

Both stuck in our own worlds
Protecting ourselves from our own hurt
Behind our walls throwing our words
Just victims of the Effexor


BRIDGE:
I can’t make space for both in my brain
As I cast out and carry the burden of blame
Cause I still feel the damage, I carry its weight
While I fester remorse, for not doing better to save

My eyes were blinded by my blood running red
I saw you through the view of a painted lens
I know that’s not fair, you say it was the meds
And I want to believe you even when it happens again

Cause if I don’t, I’ll have to face what I know
If it’s not me or them, then I’ll have to let go
Cause I can’t carry you and me both all alone
Maybe we both failed each other in our own way

But I’m so small now I forgot how to be brave
I disappeared as you took up more and more space
I guess you could say I’m also not the same
I guess you could say a lot has changed
Since you haven’t been yourself

A lot has changed since you haven't been yourself
A lot has changed since you haven't been yourself
A lot has changed since you haven't been yourself

VERSE 1
The tether’s heavy, the ways to be
Expectations and responsibilities
Continuous upkeep, endless spinning
Keep the course yet never living

Remember to text every week or so
Do this one thing but that one don’t
Check in, check the box, then the next again
Be a colleague, partner, person, friend

All the needs required of me
To present the self I want perceived
Can’t falter or drop the charade
Don’t skip a beat, make a mistake


CHORUS
Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can breathe
Away from all priorities
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace

*Scream singing*
Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can scream
All alone in solitary
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace


VERSE 2
It’s so much work to keep that grip
Sometimes it feels so good to let it slip
To release oneself from all life’s holds
Allow myself to break the molds

Wild once again and free
To choose and think of only me
No guilt and no anxiety
When nothing matters, nothings real

I watch my brain as it unravels
Knowing well that I should grab it
But I don't, I let me go
Skipping as my life implodes


CHORUS
Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can breathe
Away from all priorities
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace

*Scream singing*
Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can scream
All alone in solitary
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace


BRIDGE:
*Literally just screaming*


*Slow down tempo, lower tone, less noise*
VERSE 3
When my senses catch up and tap my shoulder
I’ll turn around and see the smoldering
Ash of bridges that I burned
The mess I made and all the work

Ahead of me to mend the damage
Tend the wounded and abandoned
I’ll grab my shackles left behind
Snap them on, fall back in line

At my own expense again I’ll play
The game of social rules and ways
Put back on each personality
And bear the shame I rightly feel


CHORUS:
Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can breathe
Away from all priorities
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace

Why can’t I self destruct in peace
Get space to myself so I can scream
All alone in solitary
To lose my mind in fxxxing peace

*whimsically somber*

A tale as old as time
One girl stuck between two lives
Holding onto hope but being pulled by lies
Trapped in the liminal space of her own mind

She craves the light to thrive above
To see her life as one she loves
To be the version that is and does
The things she knows she can and wants

The dark is heavy it's pull is strong
When she is weak it steers her wrong
Spiraling as she's strung along
Lost touch with all that's good and gone


CHORUS:
Walking the line between two lives
Never far from the divide
One light one dark on either side
One where she drowns one where she'll rise

How to stay uplifted where it's bright
With darkness always close behind
It never leaves the back of her mind
As long as she's alive, she'll live between two lives


The lens she looks through, an accessory
That paints the way that everything
Changes with no rhyme or reasoning
And clouds her eyes so she can't see

She longs to feel that clarity
Gain traction with consistency
The shades take off and on reality
As narratives wage war internally

The depth perception where she stands
Says she’s so far from where she’s at
She can't reach that place she knows again
She can't stay the way she wants to land


CHORUS:
Walking the line between two lives
Never far from the divide
One light one dark on either side
One where she drowns one where she'll rise

How to stay uplifted where it's bright
With darkness always close behind
It never leaves the back of her mind
As long as she's alive, she'll live between two lives


*Shift energy/tone/temp as perspective shifts to first person*
BRIDGE:
Cause I'm never more sure than when I'm wrong
I never love you more than when I’m gone

The only things I can't get close enough to touch
Are all the things I care about too much

I'm never more tired than when I want more
I'm never more restless than when I feel bored

I empty myself out to try to feel full
I push the limit when I feel the pull

I run on momentum I seek and I chase
I always end up in the same goddamn place

I have to hide from life to stay alive
I'd rather leave it all than be left behind

The pills I take to keep me here
Make me feel like I've already disappeared


*keeps elevated frustration in first person*
CHORUS:
Walking the line between the lives,
Never far from the divide
One light one dark on either side
One where I drown one where I rise

How do I stay uplifted where it's bright
With darkness always close behind
It'll never leave as long as I'm alive
As long as I'm alive, I'll live between two lives

Until I'm not alive, I'll live between two lives
Until I'm not alive, I'll live between two lives