Feel free to contact me.
It seems the more I try to hide my flaws the worse I view them at nightfall
When I’m alone, with nowhere to go
How am I supposed to go on?
To live, laugh and love?
When I feel so appalled at the mere sight of me
The mere thought of what hides beneath what shields me from being seen
Legs covered to my feet,
Long sleeves to conceal my past misdeeds,
In dark hues to not reveal the blood when it seeps
Anything to lessen being seen, to slim my physique
If only this cap I wear to hide my face could hide my shame
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
So I wear clothing like armor
Protection from being discovered
To conceal that I’m just a coward and the insecurities I have engraved on me
That flow through my body, flood my brain and feed my self hate
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is karmic retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to wear this shame
I bear the blame like I bear myself
Whenever I look at myself it feels like it’s the worst thing I have ever seen
I drown in shame every day I am confined inside this body
I get the urge to tear off this skin
Every day I lose more and more of me
I just feel so disgusted by what I see
I am being consumed by my insecurities
The hate for them and myself
There is just too much rage and pain
I just never improve so all I ever do is lose
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I want to stop feeling disgusting, ashamed and worthless
Just what even is my purpose
When I’m just helpless and my shame knows no end
I’ve pleaded for help because I can’t seem to be able to do it myself
But no one can help me out of this body
Maybe this skin I am forced to wear has come for revenge because I never treated it well
A manifestation of my sins etched onto my body
Karmic judgement for what I did
I didn’t appreciate what I had been given
Now I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I thought I'd found my bliss
On that day in my heart a flame was lit by your kiss
But for reasons you chose to omit you disappeared
Leaving me here all alone with but the remnants of a flame
Slowly fading away
Wondering where you had gone
Had I done something wrong?
Even in your absence time has gone by
Yet the flame’s faintest glimmer like the phantom sensation of your touch still lingers
And like a fool I still yearn for your love even though you abandoned us
Leaving nothing behind but ashes in my heart where once a flame had shone
My precious memories now hard to discern
The untold words that remain unspoken in the gradually engulfing silence of the slow fading flame,
Hurting at the approaching darkness
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it could set you on fire?
My tears cascade on the pieces of my broken heart soothing the hurt somewhat
But with my every tear drop the flame gets duller as I grow number
And just like the pain the flame has yet to fully fade and disappear
Yet I can no longer shed a tear
So now how can I make the pain less severe?
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it would set you on fire?
Maybe I should try to find comfort in this pain
As it tells me
I am not just alive but that I've lived, I've cried yet I've survived
I am a being full of emotions
Not some monster void of all
But in ways a rather sensitive soul
With dreams, hopes, insecurities and goals
Capable of such love that can break my heart twofold
Will you let the flame ignite
Knowing it'll set you on fire?
I know not all that has been broken can be mended
But I know with patience and persistence in time my heart will beat anew
I’ll be fine without the flame lit by you
However I'll carry with me forever the memories
To always remember
The good and bad altogether
Because the place in my heart that once shone with that flame so brightly
I have filled with the ashes of what I thought to have lost and forgotten
And I won’t let it weigh me down
No, I’ll go on without regret until the day I die
As I have loved without restraint and without shame
Even when the price I had to pay was heartbreak
To love that ends with a broken heart or to never have loved
Is no choice for me at all
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I just deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Unaware my tears kept on dripping down only ever my own cheeks
While you feigned to care and oh so convincingly,
That oblivious to the risk
You kissed my tear stained lips
Which once you tasted
Had your pupils dilated
And a monster had been created
Or had it just been reawakened?
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand me?
The deception ceased
And I could no longer feel at ease
But like a fool too scared of seclusion
Naive to the point of delusion
I kept on believing you could change back to the person who I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Deep down I dreaded the possibility
That the person I had fallen for was nothing more than a mere illusion
A manifestation created out of desperation, by my idealization and your skillful deception
A mask you wore torn off once I was wrapped around you
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
But now I can see beyond my delusive senses
You can no longer hide your intentions
Yet in my desperation I refuse to believe that it was all just pretended
So I still don’t leave your side as I’m still hoping that hidden deep inside,
Beneath the anger,
Past the hatred,
Beyond the being void of empathy that seems to have replaced you,
There is still you,
The one I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
I don’t want to believe that you’re gone
Yet I miss you even when I’m with you while I fear what you’ve become
You keep hurting me
Savoring my tears
Yet it is I who chooses to stay here
Hoping you could change
Back to who I once thought I knew
But I fear you now
I don’t want to be near you now
Is there no salvation?
Am I to blame for your creation?
It seems the more I try to hide my flaws the worse I view them at nightfall
When I’m alone, with nowhere to go
How am I supposed to go on?
To live, laugh and love?
When I feel so appalled at the mere sight of me
The mere thought of what hides beneath what shields me from being seen
Legs covered to my feet,
Long sleeves to conceal my past misdeeds,
In dark hues to not reveal the blood when it seeps
Anything to lessen being seen, to slim my physique
If only this cap I wear to hide my face could hide my shame
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
So I wear clothing like armor
Protection from being discovered
To conceal that I’m just a coward and the insecurities I have engraved on me
That flow through my body, flood my brain and feed my self hate
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is karmic retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to wear this shame
I bear the blame like I bear myself
Whenever I look at myself it feels like it’s the worst thing I have ever seen
I drown in shame every day I am confined inside this body
I get the urge to tear off this skin
Every day I lose more and more of me
I just feel so disgusted by what I see
I am being consumed by my insecurities
The hate for them and myself
There is just too much rage and pain
I just never improve so all I ever do is lose
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I want to stop feeling disgusting, ashamed and worthless
Just what even is my purpose
When I’m just helpless and my shame knows no end
I’ve pleaded for help because I can’t seem to be able to do it myself
But no one can help me out of this body
Maybe this skin I am forced to wear has come for revenge because I never treated it well
A manifestation of my sins etched onto my body
Karmic judgement for what I did
I didn’t appreciate what I had been given
Now I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I thought I'd found my bliss
On that day in my heart a flame was lit by your kiss
But for reasons you chose to omit you disappeared
Leaving me here all alone with but the remnants of a flame
Slowly fading away
Wondering where you had gone
Had I done something wrong?
Even in your absence time has gone by
Yet the flame’s faintest glimmer like the phantom sensation of your touch still lingers
And like a fool I still yearn for your love even though you abandoned us
Leaving nothing behind but ashes in my heart where once a flame had shone
My precious memories now hard to discern
The untold words that remain unspoken in the gradually engulfing silence of the slow fading flame,
Hurting at the approaching darkness
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it could set you on fire?
My tears cascade on the pieces of my broken heart soothing the hurt somewhat
But with my every tear drop the flame gets duller as I grow number
And just like the pain the flame has yet to fully fade and disappear
Yet I can no longer shed a tear
So now how can I make the pain less severe?
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it would set you on fire?
Maybe I should try to find comfort in this pain
As it tells me
I am not just alive but that I've lived, I've cried yet I've survived
I am a being full of emotions
Not some monster void of all
But in ways a rather sensitive soul
With dreams, hopes, insecurities and goals
Capable of such love that can break my heart twofold
Will you let the flame ignite
Knowing it'll set you on fire?
I know not all that has been broken can be mended
But I know with patience and persistence in time my heart will beat anew
I’ll be fine without the flame lit by you
However I'll carry with me forever the memories
To always remember
The good and bad altogether
Because the place in my heart that once shone with that flame so brightly
I have filled with the ashes of what I thought to have lost and forgotten
And I won’t let it weigh me down
No, I’ll go on without regret until the day I die
As I have loved without restraint and without shame
Even when the price I had to pay was heartbreak
To love that ends with a broken heart or to never have loved
Is no choice for me at all
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I just deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Unaware my tears kept on dripping down only ever my own cheeks
While you feigned to care and oh so convincingly,
That oblivious to the risk
You kissed my tear stained lips
Which once you tasted
Had your pupils dilated
And a monster had been created
Or had it just been reawakened?
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand me?
The deception ceased
And I could no longer feel at ease
But like a fool too scared of seclusion
Naive to the point of delusion
I kept on believing you could change back to the person who I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Deep down I dreaded the possibility
That the person I had fallen for was nothing more than a mere illusion
A manifestation created out of desperation, by my idealization and your skillful deception
A mask you wore torn off once I was wrapped around you
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
But now I can see beyond my delusive senses
You can no longer hide your intentions
Yet in my desperation I refuse to believe that it was all just pretended
So I still don’t leave your side as I’m still hoping that hidden deep inside,
Beneath the anger,
Past the hatred,
Beyond the being void of empathy that seems to have replaced you,
There is still you,
The one I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
I don’t want to believe that you’re gone
Yet I miss you even when I’m with you while I fear what you’ve become
You keep hurting me
Savoring my tears
Yet it is I who chooses to stay here
Hoping you could change
Back to who I once thought I knew
But I fear you now
I don’t want to be near you now
Is there no salvation?
Am I to blame for your creation?
It’s familiar to you
You’ve seen it
You’ve felt it first hand
You had to live with it for so long
It’s the one thing you know better than all
So tell me why
Why do you choose to inflict it onto others?
Is it for fun?
Is it for gain?
Or is it for solace in some twisted way?
Do you truly wish for all to suffer the same as you?
If screams of fear and cries of pain soothe your own pain, fear and shame then you will never be sane
You know the pain you inflict better than yourself
It has consumed you
You’ve become its vessel
It truly seems it’s all there is to you
As you do onto others what someone else did to you
Spreading fear farther
Passing on the pain from one person to another until no one recovers
And love and compassion are left undiscovered
Prolonging the cycle of pain indefinitely
Just when will it cease?
Can’t you see the reflection?
You have become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared, all your life
Do you now feel powerful?
Do you now feel in control?
Now that you’ve become your own worst nightmare?
What you went through was never up to you
But now in the moments when you’ve had the choice, you’ve chosen to do the same as what they did to you
Over and over and over again
Each time losing more of yourself
Feeding the hate
Revelling in another’s pain
Binding your fate to theirs
To never care
Nothing good to give
Nothing good to share
No one shall be spared
Because of the pain you still choose to bear
Passing it on to dampen your own
But for just how long will this go on?
Don’t you see the reflection?
You’ve become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared, all your life
Do you now feel powerful?
Do you now feel in control?
Now that you’ve sold your soul
Just what have you become?
You’re so empty yet so full of shit
Hate and rage
Drowning in shame that you’re too scared to face
Do you even remember your own name?
Is it too late for you to change your ways?
The things you've done can no longer be undone
But what you do today and what you do tomorrow is up to you
Look at your reflection!
You’ve become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared all your life
Do you feel powerful?
Do you feel in control?
Now that you’ve become your own worst nightmare?
For as long as I remember you’ve asked me
"Who is she? The girl you like?
What is her name?"
Go ahead ask me again
Have me erased
With each word’s clear implication
Which by the hundredth time my mind had internalized
And fear had been engraved in me
The air is getting thinner
The walls are closing in
I can not allow myself any sort of deviation
As the things they say don’t sound like mere suggestions or expectations but obligations
That are a given
So I comply and keep the real me hidden
But what if I make a mistake and I’m caught and shamed?
It drives me insane
I'm too scared to be myself in this place
The price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I exist inside a prison intent to have me contained for the rest of my days
These walls that surround me are the limits of who they allow me to be
Why do I need permission to be free?
I haven’t done a single illegal, bad deed
So why am I rotting in this prison they have built for me
I wish to tear down all that confines me to their sanctimonious ideology which hates me and tries to erase me
But I’m terrified beyond belief
Just how do I free myself from the expectations that have been instilled in me since before I could even breathe?
The price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I don’t want to be controlled any longer
Not by them nor my fear
Is it not one’s right to live one’s life however one desires?
For as long as no harm is done and no pain is caused
I hope one day I can be free
Free of their hypocrisy
Free of the shame that curses the blood that courses through me
But the price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I hope it’s not too late
This can’t be my fate
I am just so scared of what they might say
Scared to see the look in their eyes change while they claim that all is the same
Carelessly I had let down my guard
Unaware cracks had formed on the mask I wore
With its protection impaired began their whispers and stares
And by trying to strip me bare of the mask of privacy I’ve been forced to wear do their true colors appear
Revealing the cruelty that had always been there, within them somewhere
Hidden from sight
Behind deceptively innocent smiles
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel misplaced
I'm ashamed
I believe I might truly be to blame
Tiny cracks in the mask I wore
Enough for them to have me condemned
To burn at the stake in the flames of their hate
They want to see revealed the secrets that keep me safe
To see me scared
To see me break
Until there is nothing more to take
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
Confining me in a state of constant fear
I feel misplaced
I'm confused as to what I've done to deserve their hate?
Their whispers grow louder
With every tear on the mask I wear
Their stares more blatant
Hiding becomes harder
Each day they fan the flames so the fire spreads on farther
Confrontation and insults have become custom
This place has become a hellish maze from which there seems to be no escape
I am bound to burn in this blaze
If before I don’t asphyxiate on their hate
I’m being watched
I'm being judged
No matter where I go, as long as they are near
Prejudice pervades the air
It fills my lungs as I inhale
I’m drowning in these flames
I gasp for air untainted by their hate but it’s in vain
So I try to leave
To escape this place
But no matter where I am I can still taste their distaste of me
I live the rejection and the shame
From those who used to smile so kindly at me
In the hallways, on the streets
Those with whom I shared full on conversations, laughter or just simple pleasantries
Are now but stains in my memories
Even some I once had called my friends
Now evade me or ignore me like I never existed in the first place
If I’m lucky that is,
As some go out of their way to add to the tainting of my name,
To make sure I feel shame for my harmless ways
It’s their mission to tell the world just how much I am to hate
I am god’s mistake
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
I'm saddened and hurt about just how little you cared about what we shared
For the longest time I would cry and wonder why
Why did I have to be this way?
But now I just wonder why do they choose to be like this?
Because I know for this I was not to blame
But I still feel defeated and at times ashamed
I fear that even after all this passes
Assuming I haven’t
And I have made it past this time by learning how to hide behind a better mask and more distrust
I’ll have to face the reality
It might never truly cease but forever be part of my life
As this is the price I have to pay
Not for being this way
But for having to be in this place
Surrounded by people who love to hate
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
I'm indignant
Aren’t you ashamed?
Get off your high horse
Can’t you see you are doing much worse
I’m not the one choosing to inflict hurt
I have wondered just what goes through their minds and I still ponder to this day why hate is their favorite trait
Trade
Just what do they hope to gain
By treating anyone this way
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
Although now I'm rather just tired and annoyed
Because I’ve heard it all before
But the fear never leaves me because I know it can always get worse once more
Behind even the kindest eyes and nicest smiles can hide something vile
I was a cynic before I looked into your eyes
You made me feel things I deep down had longed for all my life
So I wanted to believe that your words were honest
But I should have known
I should’ve seen it coming
You were never on my side
Your words were nothing but appealing lies
That appeased the loneliness I’d feel inside
It took me far too long but now I have come to realize
Your love for me hasn’t died
Because it had never been alive
It had been nothing but a sweet, cruel lie
I should have known from the start loving you would break my heart
But I was too blinded by this enticing lie I didn’t even notice the knife in my back up until it pierced my heart
Destroying all we had
Leaving nothing behind but your every word and action as lies cemented in my mind
You have defiled the very memory of us together
It was supposed to be mine forever even if we didn’t last
But I have come to regret even the good times we had
As now all memories of you just hurt me and make me sad
So I just wish them gone
I wish they'd vanish and leave me all alone
Just like you did, not too long ago
Without a word and without remorse
But that's their blessing and their curse
Memories never leave like a person does
True love never dies
Because it's never been alive
It's nothing but a sweet, cruel lie
For so damn long
foolish of me, willingly
I gave you all my love
Just to be taken for granted
Used, abused and abandoned
Now I don’t know where to go nor what to do
As your betrayal has left me with nothing real to hold on to
What a waste of time
But at least now I know
True love never dies
Because it's never been alive
It's nothing but a sweet, cruel lie
At last I am back to the start
Before I looked into your eyes and still had my cynical mind which I’ll never again leave behind
As this is the price I’ve had to pay for letting you into my life and believing your beautiful lies
I went against my better judgement
I should’ve stayed cynical
Not formed attachments
Stayed away from tempting distractions
Suspicious of everyone’s actions
It sure would have saved me some time
And kept me from dying inside
But at least now I am wiser and know the reason why:
True love never dies
Because it's never been alive
It's nothing but a sweet cruel lie
A mistake I won’t make twice
But probably a hundred more times
Because I know when I’ll meet somebody nice with beautiful eyes
My cynical mind will leave me behind and I’ll think:
"Maybe just another try"
"Maybe it will work out this time"
Anything to not be lonely in this life
My perception of all that surrounds me and the feelings from within are heightened
Everything fights me and binds me to an unmoving state of constant pain
The faintest sounds hurt my ears and drown out my voice as I scream out for even God to hear
There seems to be nothing but noise, calamity and chaos here
So how can I ever persevere?
My heart is broken
My mind filled with gaps
My judgement full of lapses
My vision opaque
My skin riddled in gashes
And my soul torn
I can no longer perceive what truly surrounds me
I perceive only what frightens me
Which multiplies my insecurities and drowns me in uncertainty
Can I ever be free of all that is haunting me?
Or will I succumb to the pain and once more reach that cursed state
Which made me crave for relief so intensely, I sought to enter an eternal sleep
Where I could finally breathe, in one sense at least
As I was convinced in that insanity, this to be the only way that I could ever be free
No matter what my rational mind would tell me
My heart is broken
My mind full of gaps
My judgement full of lapses
My vision opaque
My skin riddled in gashes
And my soul torn
I’m being watched
I perceive it
I’m being judged
I feel it
I’m scared to breathe
In every mirror I see them looking right through me
I’ve gone insane
They have infested my brain
And in this delirious state of my desperate self hate
To peel off all my shame
I pierced my skin with my own nails
With which I have sealed my own fate in this coffin of shame where I now lay
There seems to be no escape
My heart is broken
My mind full of gaps
My judgement full of lapses
My vision opaque
My skin riddled in gashes
And my soul torn
I wish to right my mistakes and rise anew
But I’m not brave and I have lost all faith
I just wish to be saved but it doesn’t work that way
I know that only I if anyone can take myself out of this state
But I’m so afraid
What if I fail?
Just what other pain might my future contain?
I’m fighting a thousand fears
Yet I am winning against none
I’m so overwhelmed
It feels like there is nothing that can be done
Time is passing by and I’m no longer that young
I wish to do so much but my mind has me petrified
Stuck in time and in life
Each day I feel more ashamed for which I am to blame
Everything overwhelms me so how can I ever be okay?
Could I ever overcome all this pain?
When my heart is broken
My mind full of gaps
My judgement full of lapses
My vision opaque
My skin riddled in gashes
And my soul torn
Parts of me are missing
I feel it in my bones
I’m getting closer and closer to having lost all hope
It seems the more I try to hide my flaws the worse I view them at nightfall
When I’m alone, with nowhere to go
How am I supposed to go on?
To live, laugh and love?
When I feel so appalled at the mere sight of me
The mere thought of what hides beneath what shields me from being seen
Legs covered to my feet,
Long sleeves to conceal my past misdeeds,
In dark hues to not reveal the blood when it seeps
Anything to lessen being seen, to slim my physique
If only this cap I wear to hide my face could hide my shame
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
So I wear clothing like armor
Protection from being discovered
To conceal that I’m just a coward and the insecurities I have engraved on me
That flow through my body, flood my brain and feed my self hate
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is karmic retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to wear this shame
I bear the blame like I bear myself
Whenever I look at myself it feels like it’s the worst thing I have ever seen
I drown in shame every day I am confined inside this body
I get the urge to tear off this skin
Every day I lose more and more of me
I just feel so disgusted by what I see
I am being consumed by my insecurities
The hate for them and myself
There is just too much rage and pain
I just never improve so all I ever do is lose
I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I want to stop feeling disgusting, ashamed and worthless
Just what even is my purpose
When I’m just helpless and my shame knows no end
I’ve pleaded for help because I can’t seem to be able to do it myself
But no one can help me out of this body
Maybe this skin I am forced to wear has come for revenge because I never treated it well
A manifestation of my sins etched onto my body
Karmic judgement for what I did
I didn’t appreciate what I had been given
Now I wish like a snake
I could shed this skin
With it my past and my sins
To be free from my mistakes and my regrets
But I’m bound to this cage
Contained and afraid
This is retribution
There is no absolution
This is my fate, to bear this shame
I thought I'd found my bliss
On that day in my heart a flame was lit by your kiss
But for reasons you chose to omit you disappeared
Leaving me here all alone with but the remnants of a flame
Slowly fading away
Wondering where you had gone
Had I done something wrong?
Even in your absence time has gone by
Yet the flame’s faintest glimmer like the phantom sensation of your touch still lingers
And like a fool I still yearn for your love even though you abandoned us
Leaving nothing behind but ashes in my heart where once a flame had shone
My precious memories now hard to discern
The untold words that remain unspoken in the gradually engulfing silence of the slow fading flame,
Hurting at the approaching darkness
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it could set you on fire?
My tears cascade on the pieces of my broken heart soothing the hurt somewhat
But with my every tear drop the flame gets duller as I grow number
And just like the pain the flame has yet to fully fade and disappear
Yet I can no longer shed a tear
So now how can I make the pain less severe?
Would you let a flame ignite
Knowing it would set you on fire?
Maybe I should try to find comfort in this pain
As it tells me
I am not just alive but that I've lived, I've cried yet I've survived
I am a being full of emotions
Not some monster void of all
But in ways a rather sensitive soul
With dreams, hopes, insecurities and goals
Capable of such love that can break my heart twofold
Will you let the flame ignite
Knowing it'll set you on fire?
I know not all that has been broken can be mended
But I know with patience and persistence in time my heart will beat anew
I’ll be fine without the flame lit by you
However I'll carry with me forever the memories
To always remember
The good and bad altogether
Because the place in my heart that once shone with that flame so brightly
I have filled with the ashes of what I thought to have lost and forgotten
And I won’t let it weigh me down
No, I’ll go on without regret until the day I die
As I have loved without restraint and without shame
Even when the price I had to pay was heartbreak
To love that ends with a broken heart or to never have loved
Is no choice for me at all
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I just deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Unaware my tears kept on dripping down only ever my own cheeks
While you feigned to care and oh so convincingly,
That oblivious to the risk
You kissed my tear stained lips
Which once you tasted
Had your pupils dilated
And a monster had been created
Or had it just been reawakened?
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand me?
The deception ceased
And I could no longer feel at ease
But like a fool too scared of seclusion
Naive to the point of delusion
I kept on believing you could change back to the person who I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
Deep down I dreaded the possibility
That the person I had fallen for was nothing more than a mere illusion
A manifestation created out of desperation, by my idealization and your skillful deception
A mask you wore torn off once I was wrapped around you
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
But now I can see beyond my delusive senses
You can no longer hide your intentions
Yet in my desperation I refuse to believe that it was all just pretended
So I still don’t leave your side as I’m still hoping that hidden deep inside,
Beneath the anger,
Past the hatred,
Beyond the being void of empathy that seems to have replaced you,
There is still you,
The one I gave my love to
You convinced me my tears dripped down your cheeks
But was I deceived,
Because I wanted to believe,
Someone could understand what I feel?
Understand me
I don’t want to believe that you’re gone
Yet I miss you even when I’m with you while I fear what you’ve become
You keep hurting me
Savoring my tears
Yet it is I who chooses to stay here
Hoping you could change
Back to who I once thought I knew
But I fear you now
I don’t want to be near you now
Is there no salvation?
Am I to blame for your creation?
It’s familiar to you
You’ve seen it
You’ve felt it first hand
You had to live with it for so long
It’s the one thing you know better than all
So tell me why
Why do you choose to inflict it onto others?
Is it for fun?
Is it for gain?
Or is it for solace in some twisted way?
Do you truly wish for all to suffer the same as you?
If screams of fear and cries of pain soothe your own pain, fear and shame then you will never be sane
You know the pain you inflict better than yourself
It has consumed you
You’ve become its vessel
It truly seems it’s all there is to you
As you do onto others what someone else did to you
Spreading fear farther
Passing on the pain from one person to another until no one recovers
And love and compassion are left undiscovered
Prolonging the cycle of pain indefinitely
Just when will it cease?
Can’t you see the reflection?
You have become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared, all your life
Do you now feel powerful?
Do you now feel in control?
Now that you’ve become your own worst nightmare?
What you went through was never up to you
But now in the moments when you’ve had the choice, you’ve chosen to do the same as what they did to you
Over and over and over again
Each time losing more of yourself
Feeding the hate
Revelling in another’s pain
Binding your fate to theirs
To never care
Nothing good to give
Nothing good to share
No one shall be spared
Because of the pain you still choose to bear
Passing it on to dampen your own
But for just how long will this go on?
Don’t you see the reflection?
You’ve become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared, all your life
Do you now feel powerful?
Do you now feel in control?
Now that you’ve sold your soul
Just what have you become?
You’re so empty yet so full of shit
Hate and rage
Drowning in shame that you’re too scared to face
Do you even remember your own name?
Is it too late for you to change your ways?
The things you've done can no longer be undone
But what you do today and what you do tomorrow is up to you
Look at your reflection!
You’ve become the very thing you’ve hated
The very thing you’ve feared all your life
Do you feel powerful?
Do you feel in control?
Now that you’ve become your own worst nightmare?
For as long as I remember you’ve asked me
"Who is she? The girl you like?
What is her name?"
Go ahead ask me again
Have me erased
With each word’s clear implication
Which by the hundredth time my mind had internalized
And fear had been engraved in me
The air is getting thinner
The walls are closing in
I can not allow myself any sort of deviation
As the things they say don’t sound like mere suggestions or expectations but obligations
That are a given
So I comply and keep the real me hidden
But what if I make a mistake and I’m caught and shamed?
It drives me insane
I'm too scared to be myself in this place
The price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I exist inside a prison intent to have me contained for the rest of my days
These walls that surround me are the limits of who they allow me to be
Why do I need permission to be free?
I haven’t done a single illegal, bad deed
So why am I rotting in this prison they have built for me
I wish to tear down all that confines me to their sanctimonious ideology which hates me and tries to erase me
But I’m terrified beyond belief
Just how do I free myself from the expectations that have been instilled in me since before I could even breathe?
The price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I don’t want to be controlled any longer
Not by them nor my fear
Is it not one’s right to live one’s life however one desires?
For as long as no harm is done and no pain is caused
I hope one day I can be free
Free of their hypocrisy
Free of the shame that curses the blood that courses through me
But the price is too high
The risk too great
So I’ve conditioned myself to not love
To not let anyone in
To stay alone, for as trust is just something I can’t afford
I hope it’s not too late
This can’t be my fate
I am just so scared of what they might say
Scared to see the look in their eyes change while they claim that all is the same
Carelessly I had let down my guard
Unaware cracks had formed on the mask I wore
With its protection impaired began their whispers and stares
And by trying to strip me bare of the mask of privacy I’ve been forced to wear do their true colors appear
Revealing the cruelty that had always been there, within them somewhere
Hidden from sight
Behind deceptively innocent smiles
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel misplaced
I'm ashamed
I believe I might truly be to blame
Tiny cracks in the mask I wore
Enough for them to have me condemned
To burn at the stake in the flames of their hate
They want to see revealed the secrets that keep me safe
To see me scared
To see me break
Until there is nothing more to take
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
Confining me in a state of constant fear
I feel misplaced
I'm confused as to what I've done to deserve their hate?
Their whispers grow louder
With every tear on the mask I wear
Their stares more blatant
Hiding becomes harder
Each day they fan the flames so the fire spreads on farther
Confrontation and insults have become custom
This place has become a hellish maze from which there seems to be no escape
I am bound to burn in this blaze
If before I don’t asphyxiate on their hate
I’m being watched
I'm being judged
No matter where I go, as long as they are near
Prejudice pervades the air
It fills my lungs as I inhale
I’m drowning in these flames
I gasp for air untainted by their hate but it’s in vain
So I try to leave
To escape this place
But no matter where I am I can still taste their distaste of me
I live the rejection and the shame
From those who used to smile so kindly at me
In the hallways, on the streets
Those with whom I shared full on conversations, laughter or just simple pleasantries
Are now but stains in my memories
Even some I once had called my friends
Now evade me or ignore me like I never existed in the first place
If I’m lucky that is,
As some go out of their way to add to the tainting of my name,
To make sure I feel shame for my harmless ways
It’s their mission to tell the world just how much I am to hate
I am god’s mistake
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
I'm saddened and hurt about just how little you cared about what we shared
For the longest time I would cry and wonder why
Why did I have to be this way?
But now I just wonder why do they choose to be like this?
Because I know for this I was not to blame
But I still feel defeated and at times ashamed
I fear that even after all this passes
Assuming I haven’t
And I have made it past this time by learning how to hide behind a better mask and more distrust
I’ll have to face the reality
It might never truly cease but forever be part of my life
As this is the price I have to pay
Not for being this way
But for having to be in this place
Surrounded by people who love to hate
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
I'm indignant
Aren’t you ashamed?
Get off your high horse
Can’t you see you are doing much worse
I’m not the one choosing to inflict hurt
I have wondered just what goes through their minds and I still ponder to this day why hate is their favorite trait
Trade
Just what do they hope to gain
By treating anyone this way
Their simple minds glare at me through their hate filled eyes
Their whispers just loud enough for me to hear
For me to fear being here
I feel so misplaced
Although now I'm rather just tired and annoyed
Because I’ve heard it all before
But the fear never leaves me because I know it can always get worse once more
Behind even the kindest eyes and nicest smiles can hide something vile
Feel free to contact me.
